Good Cop, Bad Cop

It's been just over a week since we said goodbye to Alex in Dartmouth and hit the road in our sporty, albeit slightly scruffy, Vauxhall Corsa hire car. I made the most of being in the South West with a set of wheels by arranging to visit friends and family around Devon, Somerset and Bristol, which was a nice distraction for us all. My cousin Lorna, who we visited first, convinced me to go to a boxing fitness class with her one evening. She assured me that I would be fine, and that my fitness levels would not be a problem... oh my goodness, she was so wrong! The class was really amazing; not at a fancy gym or anything, but at a real boxing club with people who certainly looked like they spent a lot of time in the ring, which was exciting. I thoroughly enjoyed swinging punches at huge punch bags; I really gave it my all and worked up a great sweat. Then, with about ten minutes left of the session, we finished up the boxing and I readied myself for a nice cool-down session, maybe some gentle stretching on the floor or something... only to be told that we were finishing up with the most frantic, physically intense circuits session EVER! It was absolutely crazy - I swear we fitted about thirty minutes worth of exercises into those ten minutes, and ever since then I've had trouble sitting up in bed due to my abdominal muscle being completely destroyed.

Watching the Royal Marines bringing their rib ashore on Instow Beach, North Devon

Next up was a visit to the Somerset levels, to stay with some of my closest friends, Jane and Tuff. Over these few days, we quite a bit of driving with the kids in the back of the car and they started to really play up for me, arguing and being loud, and then disregarding my repeated requests for them to behave themselves. I tried my usual techniques (making them sit in silence for five minutes to calm down, threatening to take away X, bribing them with Y) but I just felt that I was fighting a losing battle, somehow. Eventually, I lost my temper and really shouted at them, which did the trick, but I didn't feel good about how things were developing. I got some great advice from Jane, when chatting about things later in the day, but I started to realise how much I missed Alex's authority with the kids. I'm not entirely sure why, as I don't feel that we are that different in our parenting styles, but somehow Alex commands more respect from them that I do. Well, perhaps I do know why... Alex often says I am too soft with them; I can be convinced to give them "one more chance" whereas Alex is very firm and will not budge once he has made a decision, and they know it. With Alex around, it doesn't matter too much as I can rely on him to back me up when I demand their respect, but without him here they seem to sense my lack of authority and I guess it is only natural that they then try to push the boundaries.

Ice skating at the new rink in Bristol, with a penguin called Alex!
Not quite as supportive as the real Alex, but a useful substitute.

In Turkey, I realise now that we had a little oasis of calm. We didn't drive anywhere, there were no timetables or schedules to keep to, we weren't staying in anyone else's house and the children had the freedom to play indoors and out to their heart's content, once school was done for the day. I had very little need to tell them off or demand their respect, and the few times that I did, they listened. Now here in the UK, we've had almost the exact opposite. Lots of driving, plenty of plans to be in certain places at certain times and very little freedom to play outside unless I specifically take them somewhere suitable. We are staying either with family and friends or in Airbnbs for a few days at a time, and I am constantly reminding them to behave nicely, be polite, keep quiet, clear up their mess, pack their bags... it's no wonder they start to get fed up and push back. Especially when I consider the fact that their bodies have been adjusting to the three hour time difference, which has meant they've been waking up too early and then getting overly tired. Every parent knows that a tired child is like a little ticking time bomb, just waiting to explode!

A rare moment of calm in the back of the hire car!

With that in mind, I probably should have factored in some more down-time for us, in retrospect. The weekend, in particular, was very busy since we made three visits over the two days, with plenty of driving involved in between. On the first of these visits, to my cousin Jon's house in Bristol, Beth and Zach both started being really silly towards the end of our stay and I felt really embarrassed by their messing around. I kept my cool whilst in Jon's house, but when we got out to the car I told them off very sternly, telling them how embarrassed I felt and that I was cancelling my plan to take them out to lunch, because I didn't feel I could trust them to behave properly for me. As you might imagine, they both broke down into floods of tears - they were so upset to be missing out on their first ever Somerset Ploughman's pub lunch, and begged me to reconsider, which I would not. Eventually, I calmed down a little and then made a deal with them; if they behaved as expected for our second visit in the afternoon, I would buy the ingredients to make a Ploughman's lunch for their dinner. This bargaining did the trick - they behaved impeccably on our second visit to my sister's dad, Roger (with a little blip at the end due to Zach getting tired, but this I completely understood) and we feasted on a fine Ploughman's lunch at the end of the day.

A Ploughman's lunch for dinner, in our cosy Airbnb

I am starting to develop a newfound respect for single parents, or those who must parent alone for long periods of time for various reasons. That is not to say that I previously thought they had an easy time of it, because clearly having two parents around is always going to be easier than just one, but I didn't really consider anything other than the physical aspects of parenting. I now realise that there is an emotional stress involved in being the only parent on hand for long periods of time, because there is no longer the option to rely on the other parent to support you or the children in times of conflict. Sometimes, as a parent, the need to be firm and consistent means upsetting your child, as they have to deal with the disappointment or frustration at not getting their own way. At such times, I now realise, it is invaluable to have the other parent on hand to comfort the child who, in all likelihood, does not want to be comforted by the parent who has upset them. The classic "Good Cop, Bad Cop" routine. Without Alex here to be the good cop and give them a big hug when they are mad at me, I find it very difficult to stick to my resolve as the bad cop and not give in a little in order to try to cheer them up. Nobody wants to see their children upset, but I realise that must strive to find ways to comfort and reason with them, without undermining my authority. 

Beth, riding a borrowed bike around Peckham Rye Park

Thankfully, we are now with Alex's parents for a week, followed by a couple of weeks with my brother and his husband, so we have the chance to relax a little, catch up on sleep and get back into our usual routine with respect to schooling. As much fun as it is to travel around with the children, it's important for all of us that I don't overdo it when making plans. I need to prioritise periods of stability and calm between our often hectic periods of travelling, to keep us all sane and happy. If I can minimise stress and take measures to reduce the chance of conflict, then I think I can cope with having to be authoritative when necessary, without feeling like a cruel and oppressive dictator!

A beautiful sunset over Westward Ho! beach