Good Cop, Bad Cop

It's been just over a week since we said goodbye to Alex in Dartmouth and hit the road in our sporty, albeit slightly scruffy, Vauxhall Corsa hire car. I made the most of being in the South West with a set of wheels by arranging to visit friends and family around Devon, Somerset and Bristol, which was a nice distraction for us all. My cousin Lorna, who we visited first, convinced me to go to a boxing fitness class with her one evening. She assured me that I would be fine, and that my fitness levels would not be a problem... oh my goodness, she was so wrong! The class was really amazing; not at a fancy gym or anything, but at a real boxing club with people who certainly looked like they spent a lot of time in the ring, which was exciting. I thoroughly enjoyed swinging punches at huge punch bags; I really gave it my all and worked up a great sweat. Then, with about ten minutes left of the session, we finished up the boxing and I readied myself for a nice cool-down session, maybe some gentle stretching on the floor or something... only to be told that we were finishing up with the most frantic, physically intense circuits session EVER! It was absolutely crazy - I swear we fitted about thirty minutes worth of exercises into those ten minutes, and ever since then I've had trouble sitting up in bed due to my abdominal muscle being completely destroyed.

Watching the Royal Marines bringing their rib ashore on Instow Beach, North Devon

Next up was a visit to the Somerset levels, to stay with some of my closest friends, Jane and Tuff. Over these few days, we quite a bit of driving with the kids in the back of the car and they started to really play up for me, arguing and being loud, and then disregarding my repeated requests for them to behave themselves. I tried my usual techniques (making them sit in silence for five minutes to calm down, threatening to take away X, bribing them with Y) but I just felt that I was fighting a losing battle, somehow. Eventually, I lost my temper and really shouted at them, which did the trick, but I didn't feel good about how things were developing. I got some great advice from Jane, when chatting about things later in the day, but I started to realise how much I missed Alex's authority with the kids. I'm not entirely sure why, as I don't feel that we are that different in our parenting styles, but somehow Alex commands more respect from them that I do. Well, perhaps I do know why... Alex often says I am too soft with them; I can be convinced to give them "one more chance" whereas Alex is very firm and will not budge once he has made a decision, and they know it. With Alex around, it doesn't matter too much as I can rely on him to back me up when I demand their respect, but without him here they seem to sense my lack of authority and I guess it is only natural that they then try to push the boundaries.

Ice skating at the new rink in Bristol, with a penguin called Alex!
Not quite as supportive as the real Alex, but a useful substitute.

In Turkey, I realise now that we had a little oasis of calm. We didn't drive anywhere, there were no timetables or schedules to keep to, we weren't staying in anyone else's house and the children had the freedom to play indoors and out to their heart's content, once school was done for the day. I had very little need to tell them off or demand their respect, and the few times that I did, they listened. Now here in the UK, we've had almost the exact opposite. Lots of driving, plenty of plans to be in certain places at certain times and very little freedom to play outside unless I specifically take them somewhere suitable. We are staying either with family and friends or in Airbnbs for a few days at a time, and I am constantly reminding them to behave nicely, be polite, keep quiet, clear up their mess, pack their bags... it's no wonder they start to get fed up and push back. Especially when I consider the fact that their bodies have been adjusting to the three hour time difference, which has meant they've been waking up too early and then getting overly tired. Every parent knows that a tired child is like a little ticking time bomb, just waiting to explode!

A rare moment of calm in the back of the hire car!

With that in mind, I probably should have factored in some more down-time for us, in retrospect. The weekend, in particular, was very busy since we made three visits over the two days, with plenty of driving involved in between. On the first of these visits, to my cousin Jon's house in Bristol, Beth and Zach both started being really silly towards the end of our stay and I felt really embarrassed by their messing around. I kept my cool whilst in Jon's house, but when we got out to the car I told them off very sternly, telling them how embarrassed I felt and that I was cancelling my plan to take them out to lunch, because I didn't feel I could trust them to behave properly for me. As you might imagine, they both broke down into floods of tears - they were so upset to be missing out on their first ever Somerset Ploughman's pub lunch, and begged me to reconsider, which I would not. Eventually, I calmed down a little and then made a deal with them; if they behaved as expected for our second visit in the afternoon, I would buy the ingredients to make a Ploughman's lunch for their dinner. This bargaining did the trick - they behaved impeccably on our second visit to my sister's dad, Roger (with a little blip at the end due to Zach getting tired, but this I completely understood) and we feasted on a fine Ploughman's lunch at the end of the day.

A Ploughman's lunch for dinner, in our cosy Airbnb

I am starting to develop a newfound respect for single parents, or those who must parent alone for long periods of time for various reasons. That is not to say that I previously thought they had an easy time of it, because clearly having two parents around is always going to be easier than just one, but I didn't really consider anything other than the physical aspects of parenting. I now realise that there is an emotional stress involved in being the only parent on hand for long periods of time, because there is no longer the option to rely on the other parent to support you or the children in times of conflict. Sometimes, as a parent, the need to be firm and consistent means upsetting your child, as they have to deal with the disappointment or frustration at not getting their own way. At such times, I now realise, it is invaluable to have the other parent on hand to comfort the child who, in all likelihood, does not want to be comforted by the parent who has upset them. The classic "Good Cop, Bad Cop" routine. Without Alex here to be the good cop and give them a big hug when they are mad at me, I find it very difficult to stick to my resolve as the bad cop and not give in a little in order to try to cheer them up. Nobody wants to see their children upset, but I realise that must strive to find ways to comfort and reason with them, without undermining my authority. 

Beth, riding a borrowed bike around Peckham Rye Park

Thankfully, we are now with Alex's parents for a week, followed by a couple of weeks with my brother and his husband, so we have the chance to relax a little, catch up on sleep and get back into our usual routine with respect to schooling. As much fun as it is to travel around with the children, it's important for all of us that I don't overdo it when making plans. I need to prioritise periods of stability and calm between our often hectic periods of travelling, to keep us all sane and happy. If I can minimise stress and take measures to reduce the chance of conflict, then I think I can cope with having to be authoritative when necessary, without feeling like a cruel and oppressive dictator!

A beautiful sunset over Westward Ho! beach

Family Weekend at BRNC

We have just come to the end of the most wonderful weekend, spent with Alex down in Dartmouth. The Britannia Royal Naval College (BRNC) hosted a Families' Weekend, with various events going on over the two days, and the officer cadets were also allowed out of the college for the first time in over a month. The children and I picked up a hire car from Gatwick on Friday morning and drove to Dartmouth via Bristol (to collect some formal clothes, which my sister kindly took delivery of for us) and then collected Alex from outside the college after checking into our Airbnb. Actually, we completely failed at collecting Alex, since we didn't quite park in the agreed spot (due to so many other cars being there with similar intentions) so we finally managed to meet him down at a car park in Dartmouth town centre, which was only a few minutes walk away. It was so wonderful to see him again, and he looked so smart in his uniform! 

We were blessed with nice weather whilst visiting Alex in Dartmouth

The college are very strict about how the officer cadets must dress when outside of the college in public; they must wear their uniform at all times, and cannot wear anything other than their issued uniform. We went for a walk along the quayside in Dartmouth on the Sunday afternoon and it was rather chilly. The children and I wore gloves and warm coats, but Alex was not able to since he hasn't been issued any suitable gloves that would go with his standard uniform, and he would not be allowed to borrow mine. He was also unsure about whether to wear his foul weather jacket (since it wasn't really foul weather, but had just got a little chilly) so in the end just went out in his standard issue shirt and jumper. Thankfully, we weren't outside long before settling down to eat some fish and chips in a nice pub overlooking the river, so he didn't get too cold.

We cooked Alex gözleme (Turkish pancakes) for dinner on Saturday

Whilst Alex did get leave to stay overnight with us at our Airbnb on the Friday and Saturday nights, he had to be back very early both mornings, so was up at 06:15 both days and headed straight off without having any breakfast. As it happens, the children are still partially tuned into the Turkish timezone, so they were up and able to see him both days before he headed off, and then we drove to the college ourselves to meet up with him there shortly after 08:00. The college is absolutely stunning and steeped in history; it was a real privilege to be allowed onto the grounds, and we very much enjoyed being shown around by Alex. In between the organised events, he showed us where he eats, sleeps and generally talked us through how and where he spends his time, which was interesting and insightful.

Taking the cabin inspection very seriously!

As we explored the college, we were introduced to a great many of Alex's colleagues and their families, as well as some of his superiors. In chatting to them, I was struck by how highly everyone thought of Alex and how well-liked and respected he appears to be there. Of course, I would expect nothing less; I well remember my early years at IBM when he was my colleague, and how much I enjoyed his company on a purely platonic level, but it is very pleasing to see that this is also the case at BRNC. Being the oldest in the intake could have made it difficult to fit in, but Alex is clearly very happy, has made a lot of friends and is easily one of the fittest there. He is also one of the most knowledgeable when it comes to all things nautical, and it was lovely to hear from others in his division (and their families) about how they look up to him and appreciate his support in this area. I could tell how much everyone valued him and it made me feel incredibly proud.

The children were fascinated by all the model ships around the college

Alex got permission to take the children to the playground on the Saturday morning, allowing me to enjoy a couple of presentations in the lecture theatre without worrying about entertaining the children. These I found very informative; it was interesting to see what how important the Royal Navy is in today's modern society. By maintaining a global presence and position of operational readiness, the Royal Navy is able to protect UK interests as well as supporting other countries around the world. It is easy to overlook the importance of having free access to the sea, but the reality is that over 97% of our internet and voice data travels to us via a network of undersea cables, and the Royal Navy is tasked with protecting this infrastructure. Additionally, 95% of Britain's economic activity depends on the oceans, so the strategic positioning of the Royal Navy around global choke points (such as the Strait of Gibraltar, Suez Canal and Strait of Malacca) helps to safeguard these vital areas, promising safe passage and encouraging free trade. Other very interesting topics included international partnerships between the Royal Navy and other countries, the importance of the Royal Navy's role in NATO, information about humanitarian assistance provided worldwide and some news about new technology being used by the Royal Navy and Royal Marines. By the end of the 45 minute presentation I felt very proud of our Royal Navy and was almost tempted to sign up myself.... then I had flashbacks to my very short naval career at HMS Raleigh back in 1998 and came to my senses. Alex is far more suited to the military lifestyle then I ever was!

Whilst I enjoy some presentations, the children set to work hotwiring a helicopter

We were also shown a video covering what the cadets have been up to over the past 5 weeks, which was enjoyable to watch. I thought it was fitting that Alex featured in the video doing some chart work, and I also caught a glimpse of him helming a motor whaler at one point. Unfortunately, there weren't many other clips of his division, since the officer cadet who was tasked with taking a GoPro around during their training in order to get some footage did not often think to bring it along. To be honest, I can hardly say I blame him - I can imagine that with life being as hectic as it is during this initial militarisation phase of training, capturing it on camera is not going to be one of the top priorities in the eyes of most officer cadets!

Exploring the college with these crazy kiddywinks

In the afternoon, there was a very interesting tour of the college, which sadly I had to leave partway through because the children were getting tired and finding it difficult to stay still for so long. Apparently, you can pay to have a guided tour as a member of the public, so I hope to return and do that in the future. The gentleman giving the tour was very charismatic and captivating, giving an interesting account of the college's inception and formation. I would very much like to hear from him the details of how the original HMS Britannia, which was moored in the River Dart, transformed into the impressive shore-based establishment which so grandly overlooks the river today. 

Alex, taking part in the IMF demonstration
(he is in the fourth row back, fifth column in from the left hand side) 

Following the tour, we were taken to the parade ground where the officer cadets gave demonstrations of their IMF (initial military fitness) and ceremonial training, before being dismissed for the day. Sunday morning, we were back to the college bright and early for a Sunday Church service in the College Chapel, followed by tea and biscuits on the Quarterdeck. Prior to the service, Alex introduced me to the Royal Navy Chaplain, or "Bish" as they are informally known; a lovely man called Peter. I had already met a "Bish" in training, who is part of Alex's division, and he is also a lovely man called Peter. How funny that our vicar in Oxford, who married me and Alex and christened both the children is also a lovely man called Peter! It seems that Peter is a very popular name for religious leaders, certainly in our circle!

It's lucky that Beth can read this book without Alex's help!

After being dismissed by the Captain of the college, we spent the rest of the afternoon together with Alex, making the most of his company before he was due back at college at 20:00 on Sunday evening. It was really lovely just to relax together. Although, Alex got a little carried away with his relaxation during a reading session with the children; the poor guy is so shattered he just couldn't keep his eyes open any longer! After a 45 minute power nap, he was up and about again and the children soon had him attending a tea party in a makeshift den in the bedroom. Finally, he took them to bed for the last time this weekend, then headed back to his own bed BRNC, but not before ironing all of his bedding, of course.

A rare picture of the entire family looking smart!

Güle Güle Turkey

Our final week in Turkey has been one filled with mixed emotions. On the one hand, we have been feeling sad knowing that we must say goodbye to these wonderful people, who have welcomed us into their home with open arms, treated us like family and made our time here so incredibly special with their hospitality, warmth and generosity. On the other hand, we have been getting increasingly excited about the prospect of seeing Alex again, as we prepare to return to the UK and head down to Dartmouth for a Families' Weekend at the Britannia Royal Naval College. Perhaps this is the best situation to be in, since it is hard to feel sad for long when there is so much excitement about what lies ahead!

We are all looking forward to seeing OC Mitchell this weekend

I find myself feeling incredibly inspired by Hatice and Muammer, having spent so much time with them and learned so much from them over the past month. In many ways, it is hard to believe that they have only been living this way for 8 years; prior to this, Muammer was a policeman, working in different cities across Turkey. Apparently, in an effort to prevent corruption, civil servants such as police officers do not stay working in one locality for more than a few years, before being moved on to a new area of the government's choosing. Therefore, Hatice and Muammer spent years moving with their family from one place to the next, before finally settling down back on the family farm in Antalya when Muammer retired from the police force. In the relatively short time that they have been there, they have achieved so much that one could be forgiven for thinking that they have always lived this way! They are completely in tune with their land, their livestock and the seasons, using traditional methods of farming, cooking and preserving in order to sustain themselves year round.

We ordered this breakfast from Hatice on one of our last days; 
almost everything you see here has been grown and/or produced by her!

I was very impressed with how healthily they ate. Almost every meal contained masses of fresh produce, supplemented with olives, lettuce leaves, chutneys, preserves and fermented cabbage. Stuffed peppers, bulgur wheat dishes wrapped in lettuce leaves or cooked in cabbage, foraged greens with extra virgin olive oil and fresh lemon juice - their daily vitamin intake must be through the roof! Meat was not eaten very often; I asked about this and Hatice told me that, whilst they love to eat meat, it is expensive so they eat their own slaughtered livestock and they didn't have much available right now. Presumably they will have some later in the year, since most of their female goats are due to give birth next month. Speaking of which, Hatice and I had an amusing misunderstanding in this respect, whereby I thought she was expecting another grandchild and congratulated her, at which point she burst out laughing and explained that it was the goats giving birth next month, not her daughter! Google Translate is certainly invaluable, but not infallible.

One of my kids with a couple of goats, who are expecting their own kids!

Another thing that I really loved about living on the farm is how the wood burning stoves are completely fuelled by wood from the forest; sometimes felled and sometimes fallen, but never impacting the forest itself in a negative way. I found it very satisfying to go for walks into the forest gathering wood for the fire, whether that was collecting pine cones and dead wood for kindling or dragging back larger sections for cutting with the chainsaw. We would see neighbours doing the same and, in fact, it seems that neighbouring families work together in their collection of wood from the forest. One day, when we were dragging down some larger sections of wood from the edge of the forest, Hatice told me to leave the length of the wood I was about to bring, as she said it was for the neighbours. I found it heartening to see that humans can live so well in harmony with a beautiful pine forest, when so often in modern life we see such areas being exploited and even decimated for material gain.

The firewood cutting/storage area also made a great playground!

Still on the subject of fires, I was very interested to learn about how they generate fire lighting materials on the farm. In Europe, use of those white, chemical blocks is commonplace for lighting fires of any kind. Here in Turkey, however, they use a more natural method whereby they burn thin strips of very oily pine to start the fire. This is very effective; the pine fire-lighting strip is highly flammable, and burns hot for a decent amount of time. The oily pine is created by stripping the bark off a section of pine tree (one that is earmarked to be felled in the near future), causing the tree to attempt to repair itself. This results in the wood surrounding the wound getting saturated with pine oil, and this oily timber can then be kept separate and split into long thin fire-lighting strips when the tree is eventually felled. Simple, sustainable and easily obtainable.

Beth, looking rather serious, next to a pine tree
which has been wounded to produce fire-lighting materials

As we say "güle güle" (goodbye) to Turkey, I reflect on what we will take away from the trip. If it were down to Zach, we'd be taking away a bag full of empty shotgun cartridges, a selection of old shoes, various plumbing fittings and a host of other "treasure" that he has collected during his time here. Beth would be likely to smuggle a cat and a few chickens in her bag, given half a chance. In actual fact, upon arrival at the airport this afternoon, I did discover Beth had filled her pockets with masses of the purple variety of myrtle berries. These stain everything blue (including the mouth of the consumer) so I convinced her to bin them all before we went through security, promising to replace them with some other berries upon arrival in the UK (which I have now done). Material items aside (especially as I don't want to be reminded of the plastic container of olives which split and leaked all over our hand luggage), I think the main points I will take away from this trip are:

1. The certainty that we can easily and quickly learn a new language when immersed in it
2. The knowledge that it is possible to live sustainably and in harmony with nature
3. The inspiration that this can be achieved at any point in our lives, no matter how late, and in a relatively short amount of time, for anyone driven to do so and willing to work at it

We will miss this gorgeous forest, and Super Meowsers!

Foraging and Fowl Play

It's incredible how quickly you can learn a language when there is no option to speak English at all. After just three weeks here in Turkey, I am amazed at how much Turkish the children and I have picked up. I still rely on Google Translate a lot, especially when being given instructions (to make sure I fully understand what is being asked of me) or having deep and meaningful conversations over a cup of tea, but I find we need to use it less and less for day-to-day life and interactions. Zach ate a hot chilli pepper at dinner with Hatice this week, which was hotter than he expected (despite both Hatice and myself telling him they were very spicy) and the heat took his breath away. His little eyes started to water, he gulped and gasped for breath, then cried out "su!" meaning water, which really surprised me! Whilst gathering "mersin" (myrtle) berries one day, I could hear Beth talking to Zach around the other side of the bush saying "topla Zach, topla" which means "gather Zach, gather" - I guess she has heard Hatice saying it to us enough times when picking olives!

Myrtle berries - there is also a purple variety here, but they aren't as sweet

The myrtle berries are interesting. I'd heard of myrtle, but had no idea what it looked like or that it produced edible berries. I was intrigued when Hatice first showed us that we could eat these small, oval berries, which are mainly white with a purple-ish hue. We eagerly picked and ate them, but I was a little disappointed in the flavour, which is nice but slightly astringent. Nevertheless, we kept eating them and I took some home as I felt that the flavour might improve once cooked. Initially, I tried cooking them as a sort of stewed fruit dish to put on top of pancakes, but they didn't really soften sufficiently or taste as sweet as I hoped they might, once cooked, so I stirred the leftovers into a savoury vegetable-based dish. This is where they really came into their own! So, we have continued picking them regularly but, surprisingly, I even find that I enjoy them raw now more than I did initially - they seem to grow on you and I often find myself stuffing handfuls in my mouth rather than my bag when collecting them with the children! To be honest, the amount that actually makes it into our savoury dishes is rather measly, since Beth and Zach love eating them raw and are never willing to give me any of their stash for my cooking. We have saved some of the small seeds, and plan on taking them back to Portugal (as well as some pomegranate and grapefruit seeds) in order to try growing them on our land.

Beth chops our foraged greens (this was about 1/3 of what we'd collected)

Hatice also took us out foraging for greens this week, which was a wonderful experience. She had already shown us some wild radish leaves whilst we were gathering olives, and showed us how to cook them by boiling and draining, then smothering in lemon juice, olive oil, a little sour pomegranate sauce and some black pepper and chilli flakes. They are absolutely delicious, and no doubt incredibly nutritious. Anyhow, one day this week we went with her to collect more greens and we came back with a huge bag full of all sorts! Most of them just look like the other weeds growing on the ground, until you become familiar with the features and can begin to spot them. Beth got very good at spotting the different plants we were searching for, and would point them out for us to dig up. I recognised the look and smell of wild coriander, and asked the names of the others we collected, but they didn't really translate properly. One translated to something like camel hoof, but I've been unable to identify anything online with this name. It's funny because, prior to us foraging with Hatice, I would see her going out into the field occasionally behind our house and digging up something or another, and now I know what it was! When we got back home with our foraged goods, we washed them thoroughly outside in a huge bowl of water, then took them up to Hatice's kitchen where we chopped them up and Hatice cooked them with onion, tomato, some garlic and spices. This was all that was needed to produce the most tasty meal, which we all enjoyed tucking into with some Turkish flatbreads.

Enjoying a delicious meal, made almost entirely from our foraged greens

Despite the olive season being pretty much done and dusted, a storm blew through last weekend and managed to cover the floor with masses of olives that had still been hanging in the trees. Hatice and I were unable to resist the temptation, and set out with our buckets in hand to gather the spoils of the storm. It was very satisfying work, as the olives were great quality, easy to spot and plentiful! It's amazing how quickly one can fill a bucket when there are so many within easy reach of where you are currently working. I honestly don't think I'll ever be able to walk past an olive tree again without wanting to gather up any the olives from the floor underneath it. Whilst gathering this fresh crop of olives, I spotted a sizeable spider nearby which almost looked as if it had barnacles all over its back. I was intrigued, and called the children to have a look at it. We didn't get too close, as it looked large enough to give a nasty bite should it want to, but watched it scurrying through the undergrowth (where it was very well camouflaged) and I took a couple of photographs. Upon further investigation later that evening, I discovered that this was a female wolf spider carrying a cluster of spiderlings on her back! 

The wolf spider carrying an impressive amount of babies on her back

As well as another tortoise, this week we saw a European green toad, which decided to seek refuge under one of the little plastic diggers in front of our house. Little did it know that, around 9am every day, an industrious young fellow comes out to put these diggers to work, thereby rendering the toad's hiding place completely useless! However, luckily for the toad, Zach was delighted to find it under his digger and promptly replaced the digger in the hopes that it would stay there permanently and allow him to befriend it. It did stay there a while, but eventually decided to move on to pastures new (much to Zach's disappointment) and we haven't seen the little chap since.

The European green toad, found hiding under the blue digger

Still, we are never far from an animal to pester, I mean pet, around here and the children's attention was soon focused on a skinny young chicken who doesn't seem to hang around much with his older, plumper counterparts. They convinced Hatice to pick him (or perhaps her, I'm not entirely sure) up for them, then spent hours carrying him around the place and feeding him scavenged wheat grains, whilst Hatice and I were working hard tidying piles of wood. At a certain point, I could see neither children not chicken and, suspecting some sort of mischief (as is usually the case when they disappear and go quiet), I went to investigate and found that they had taken the chicken into the house! He had defecated on the bathroom floor, and they had him shut in the shower enclosure with a bowl of water whilst they were cleaning this mess up. I made it quite clear that he was not welcome in the house, so they brought him back outside. A little while later, I see Zach walking around with his little yellow backpack on, and a skinny little chicken head poking out of an opening in the zip! I raced over to set the poor little chap free but, to my surprise, he staunchly resisted his rescue and did not seem very grateful at all to be freed from his carrier. Eventually, I conceded that they could carry him around in the backpack as long as he seemed content to be in there, and on the condition that they wash it thoroughly should he decide to empty his bowels in there. He seemed very happy to hang out with the children for the rest of the afternoon, both in and out of the bag.

Zach and the skinny chicken, hanging out together